Mum died yesterday morning at eight o'clock. She was 91.

She'd been ill for ages and was suffering, so what my sister and I feel more than anything else is relief. I'm pretty sure that goes for the rest of the family, too.

Can't sleep. Got up at 5.00 a.m. and I've been sitting here jotting down a few notes for her funeral. Things I liked about her, things I didn't. Here's some of the good stuff.

A Few Things I Liked About My Mum

* The fact that she once phoned my dad from a police station at midnight to say she'd been arrested for being with a bunch of drunken rock musicians in the back of a transit van. She was 83 at the time.

* The fact that watching snooker on TV gave her an orgasm.

* The fact that she gave me a love of the English language by teaching me - at a very early age - wonderful poetry, such as:

Have you ever seen Nelly make water?
She pees such a beautiful stream.
She pees for three miles and a quarter,
And you can't see her belly for steam.

Ah, well. Life, eh?